What Is Your Dog Learning About YOU? The Tiny Moments That Build (or Break) Trust
Every single day, your dog is learning something about you.
Not only when you set aside ten minutes to train.
Not only when you have treats in your pocket.
Not only when you’re practising a sit, a heel, or a perfect recall.
Your dog is learning about you in hundreds of tiny moments.
When something unexpected happens.
When they feel unsure.
When they’re excited, frustrated, tired, or overwhelmed.
And over time, all of those little experiences begin answering one much bigger question:
What can I expect from this person when I don’t know what to do?
That question has a whole lot more to do with leadership than whether your dog sits when you ask them to.
Let’s talk about it together. 👣
Are you accidentally teaching your dog that the world is a crisis?
Before I go any further, I want to be honest with you.
I have absolutely had moments where I overreacted.
I’ve tightened the leash.
I’ve locked my attention onto my dog.
I’ve started repeating myself.
“Leave it. Leave it. Leave it.”
“Look at me. Look at me.”
“It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.”
Meanwhile, my entire body is communicating, “Something terrible is about to happen!”
If you’ve done this too, please know that you are not a bad dog lover.
You’re probably worried.
You’re trying to prevent a reaction before it starts. You’re trying to keep everyone safe. You’re trying to look like you know what you’re doing while your internal voice is screaming, Oh gosh, here we go.
I’ve been there.
But let’s look at that moment from your dog’s perspective.
Another dog appears.
And suddenly, their human changes.
Your shoulders tighten.
Your breathing changes.
You shorten the leash.
Your attention snaps onto your dog.
You may even start chanting instructions.
Your dog doesn’t know that you’re preparing for their reaction.
They may simply understand it as:
“My human is preparing for a fight. That dog over there must be a huge threat.”
And now you have become part of the prediction.
Your dog sees the other dog, notices your reaction, and thinks, Game on.
Obedience is not the same thing as leadership
Here’s where I’m going to be a gentle contrarian.
You can teach a dog to sit beautifully.
You can teach them to heel.
You can impress everyone with a fancy trick routine.
You can even change equipment or use a new technique and create a dramatic result when your dog is barking or lunging.
And people may look at you and say, “Wow! What an obedient dog.”
But obedience does not equal leadership.
That doesn’t mean obedience is bad.
It simply means obedience and leadership are two different things.
If I had to choose, I would choose solid leadership over solid obedience every single time.
Because leadership is not something you declare.
You don’t get to announce, “I’m the leader now!”
Your dog learns whether you’re worth following through the experiences they have with you.
If you came to my house and followed me around for a day, you might not be impressed by my obedience skills.
You’d see Gunther and Nike wandering into the kitchen while I say, “You’re not supposed to be in here. Get out of the kitchen!”
You’d see Gunther ignoring me.
You’d see them excitingly waiting for their food.
And when I let Gunther out of his crate, you might see him barking and running through the door like a complete banana bean.
You might wonder, Does this woman know anything?
And yet, I have dogs I can take places.
They walk well on a leash.
They can be around people, children, cats, and other dogs.
I don’t live my life through a constant set of commands to prove my leadership.
The leadership is happening in the tiny moments you might miss.
Your relationship is happening all the time
We’re very good at compartmentalizing, aren’t we?
We say things like:
“Now we’re training.”
“Now we’re bonding.”
“Now we’re working on confidence.”
“Now we’re having our relationship time.”
But your relationship with your dog doesn’t switch on for a ten-minute session and then switch off again.
It’s happening when you put on the leash.
When someone knocks on the door.
When your dog steals your sock.
When they hesitate before getting into the car.
When they bark.
When they don’t come when called.
When they lose their you-know-what because something exciting happens.
When you’re tired and you really don’t feel like dealing with any of it.
Especially then.
Your dog is learning:
Do you notice what’s happening?
Do you make decisions?
Do you respond to the environment?
Do you help when things become difficult?
Can they trust you to be clear?
This is why trust grows through ordinary moments.
Not dramatic movie scenes.
Not perfect training sessions.
Just hundreds of small experiences that say, “I’m here. We’ll figure this out together.”
A cautionary tale from England 🐾
I recently came back from England, where I visited two friends I originally met through my online program.
Rachel and Tanya started as online program members.
Over the years, we talked dogs, then life, and somewhere along the way, we became true friends.
Eventually, we met in person.
And that’s the cautionary tale, really:
Sometimes the Fearless Framework community doesn’t stay online.
Sometimes it turns into real friendship. 😂
Leadership does not mean being calm all the time
While I was in England, I had lots of opportunities to practise being present and responsive with my vacation dog, Dexter.
One day, we were walking along the beach when we saw a large dog who was jumping up and standing on two legs.
The person holding the leash clearly didn’t have much control.
Dexter started moving in that direction.
I called him, and he stopped for a moment, but then continued toward the dog.
So I used what I call my “I mean it” voice.
It’s deeper.
It’s firmer.
It means exactly what it sounds like.
And Dexter looked at me as if he was a little surprised. I had been with him for more than a week, and I had never used that voice before.
But he came back to me.
And we moved on.
Now, someone pointed out afterward that another dog had approached that same dog and everything had been fine.
But that wasn’t the point.
I assessed the situation.
The handler didn’t have control.
The dogs were on leashes.
Leashes can tangle.
The other dog was large and unpredictable.
I made a decision, and I stood by it.
That is leadership too.
You do not have to be eerily calm and Zen every second of every day.
You are allowed to be human.
Sometimes clarity is quiet.
Sometimes it is patient.
Sometimes it is energetic.
Sometimes it is a firm, “No. I mean it.”
The goal is not to be emotionless.
The goal is contrast and clarity.
If your usual way of being with your dog is reasonably steady, predictable, and clear, then a sudden firm voice means something.
Your dog can learn:
“Most of the time, she’s steady. But when she changes like that, I need to pay attention.”
But if you are constantly raising your voice, repeating yourself, tightening the leash, escalating, and reacting impulsively, then everything begins to sound important.
And when everything is important, nothing is.
Predictable does not mean identical.
It means your response makes sense in context.
The question that can change everything
Instead of asking:
“How do I get my dog to stop doing this?”
“How do I make my dog listen?”
“How do I get my dog to react less?”
Try asking:
“What is my dog learning about me right now?”
That question is not meant to make you feel guilty.
Please don’t use it as another way to judge yourself.
If you ask it and realize your dog may have learned something you didn’t intend, you can simply get curious.
How interesting.
What happened?
What did your dog do?
What did you do?
What might you try differently next time?
You are not trying to become perfect.
You are learning to become more present, predictable, responsive, and clear.
That, my friend, is partnership.
That is trust.
And that is leadership.
Your gentle three-step shift
If you’d like to start noticing what your dog is learning about you, here’s a simple place to begin.
Step 1: Notice the moment
Pay attention to what happens just before your dog reacts.
What changes in your body?
Do you hold your breath?
Shorten the leash?
Lock onto your dog?
Start giving lots of instructions?
No judgment. Just notice.
Step 2: Assess the whole situation
Before deciding what your dog is going to do, look at the environment.
What is the other dog communicating?
What is the person doing?
How much space do you have?
What does your dog need today?
Some days your dog may need more support than yesterday. That’s okay.
Step 3: Decide, respond, and adjust
Make a clear decision.
Create space.
Move your dog behind you.
Keep walking.
Use your calm voice, or your “I mean it” voice if the moment calls for it.
Then observe what happens and adjust as needed.
You don’t have to know everything in advance.
You just need to be willing to pay attention and figure out what to do next.
Want support as you build this kind of trust?
If you’re tired of feeling alone, embarrassed, or overwhelmed by your dog’s fear-based behaviour, you don’t have to walk this journey by yourself.
The Fearless Framework is a 12-month coaching program designed to help you understand your dog’s fear, build confidence naturally, and become the calm, trusted partner they need.
The beta pricing ends on August 18th.
If you’re sitting on the fence and wondering whether it’s the right fit for you and your dog, please send me a message. I’d genuinely love to chat with you and help you decide: without pressure.
You can also join our free, supportive Living Beyond Obedience Facebook group and connect with other dog lovers who understand what it’s like to be in the trenches.
And if you’d like to listen to the full episode, you can find it on Apple Podcasts.
Here for you, always. 🐾
My dog-loving friend, your dog is learning about you today.
In the quiet moments.
In the messy moments.
In the moments when life gets lifey.
You get another opportunity every single time to show them:
“You don’t have to figure everything out alone. I’m here.”
Your dog thinks you are amazing.
And so do I.
Have a fantastic day, and remember:
Be the person your dog thinks you are.
Tracy xoxox